The · Life · and · Opinions · of · Ryan · Richardson, · Gentleman

I am actually a terrible boyfriend, but that's not really what this post is about. Let's just back off from that for a minute.

Lately a few of my friends have been drawing lines in a sprawling argument that I'm sure has bred a lot of anxiety. See, one of my friends sees something that these other friends do and thinks that it's wholly irrational and he wants them to immediately rid themselves of this behavior.

Now, I'm not talking mental disorder irrational like they're seeing black helicopters and government agents following them, and they know about all of it through hidden messages in the letters in Penthouse. I'm talking the kind of irrationality where they believe in something that's outside of that box of rationality.

So, I'm a terrible boyfriend. Two years ago I was dating this girl, and she was pretty great in her own way, but I was wildly insecure all over the place. The kind of neurotic, nerdy, mess that would fuel a situation comedy starring Zak Braff only instead of having my secret hopes and dreams guarded by a horse with a sword on its head, I guarded them by being a dick.

Let’s put that discussion on hold again.

This friend has been thinking a lot about rationality and irrationality over the course of the past few months, as he has brought his life through a myriad of changes. It has sort of been like the opposite of a spiritual awakening, and in that sort of ecstatic reverie a lot of questions and contemplation came out with a kind of evangelist’s fervor.

In that fervor there was an important question that seems to have been left out of why people believe the things that they do. It was simply prima facie irrational.

I sympathize a lot with that perspective and that experience, because I am also an atheist.

So here I was with this woman that made me nervous, and what I did was to question that rationality for no other reason than it was there. Rather than stepping back and thinking about why belief was so important to her, and why she had come to believe the things that she did and what it meant for her, I attacked.

It would be grossly reductionist to say that was the only problem, but it’s simply the most relevant. Now I know that my friend isn’t insecure about this, but I feel as if there’s that same lack of looking at priorities and thinking about what’s important. It’s unfair to everyone involved just to boil everything down to this point, but when you have friends that have known one another for years with such a fundamental disconnect between them, there has to be a step missing.

It’s a thin line to try and straddle, but I think that the important thing is not what your friends believe but why they are your friend.

And now you know, the rest of the story.

On the nature of his location in both body and spirit::	The Basement
A note on the master's current emotions of mental state::	amused
And the air of his chamber was filled with the sound of::	Tapping - Sleater-Kinney

1.
    

Television and Radio Reporter
      

2.
   

Anthropologist
      

3.
   

Print Journalist
      

4.
   

Genetic Counselor
      

5.
   

Human Resources Specialist
      

6.
   

Communications Specialist
      

7.
   

Political Aide
      

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Public Policy Analyst
      

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Lobbyist
      

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Critic
      

So being the brilliant and with it guy I told her that I had this personal conflict and that she was probably the best person to talk to about it. Naturally she was this conflict and when I dodged around the fact that I liked her, and finally said it, I felt kind of silly and I haven't really heard back from her. I mean, I suppose there are lots of reasons, but in the end it was the right decision made in a stupid way.

I guess it's important to be honest. But that's just me, and it's all right because not much is going to happen.

An Update...

Plymouth was covered in a light drizzle, the sky was this kind of light gray that the sun was barely penetrating. It was chilly, and the parking lot was empty as I leaned up against the loading dock.

I had told her that I liked her, and that I felt silly for saying so. My feeling ashamed about that statement was a recurrent theme, and the truth is that I wasn't ashamed at all, it's just that I really didn't want to have the oncoming conversation and I was trying to defuse it with jokes.

She had an umbrella, it leaned against her shoulder, at least one of us had thought things through.

It's of course very flattering to be liked by someone, especially if that someone is me. I got the sense that this was a let me down gently conversation, she talked about going back to school in only a few days, and I understood that.

Then came that word.

Nice?

Nice. I hate the word as I hate Hell, all Mountagues and Thee.

Well, that was not my thought, but the general sense of it, thee left vague and undefined because it certainly was not Allison. I am still markedly fond of her, she's truly a fantastic woman.

I think that I got upset enough last night, waiting and anticipating. Right now I'm kind of happy to have these things out of the way, not hanging above my head like the sword of Damocles.

Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't, but I don't think that the timing was good. We'll see what happens.

I think today it's primarily that it's in the early hours (relatively) of a Sunday morning and I don't quite have anyone to talk too about my current

My dad and I went to see Live Free or Die Hard, I had some very low expectations for this film (I mean, it was rated PG-13 for crying out loud). We ran into Nick Pizzolato, of CNC Newspapers fame, and were overall impressed with the experience. I mean, it's Die Hard, what do you want?

I also picked up a new mp3 player to replace my old one that crapped out, everyone except for Aaron gets to guess what kind.

I thought that I might have more substantive things to say, but it's been really great seeing everyone and getting into the groove (and no, no one has to prove their love to me). Work is going really well, and although I'd like to get paid more I'm getting a reasonable rate for starting in the industry. I guess I'll talk more later.

Mr. Chukiu and I were out, I think that we were coming back from visiting Tim (this was when we both lived in Washington and Tim was on the Hill). We had just been causing some kind of trouble and were on our way back, laughing all the way, because everything is funny at 2 in the morning. That's really the point of the anecdote, that in the small hours of the evening emotions can seem so charged as we relax and drift away from control.

I've been sitting up since my roommates went to bed, wanting to say something important and insightful, wanting to talk to someone about how I was feeling but everyone seems to have gone to bed, one by one. It's just anxiety that's making me worry so much that all of the things that I've been feeling recently are a product of environment rather than internal changes, but as I sit here and think about everything the environment has been the same for the past four years, so the only thing that's really different must be me.

In my head I know that everything is going to be better than fine, because there's a lot going on for me at the other end of the state. I've got a job that was opened up more or less just for me, I've got old friends (and some new ones) to spend some time with, I've got the Baby, and I've got the rest of my life ahead of me. It's going to be absolutely fantastic, and it's going to be even better as time marches on.

There are just so many changes involved that it's a little bit hard to comprehend and it's a little hard to take in all at once. I have this feeling like I haven't done all of the things that I could have done in school, or that there's something that I missed out on. I'd swat it down, but that feeling just comes back (I'll just assume that it will die down over time like most feelings do). I don't know, maybe it's my active fantasy life and tendency to daydream that does these sorts of thins to me. I just sort of tend to drift off and look up into the distance and kind of ponder non-sequitirs all day long.

I guess the best advice that I can give after all of this is that you should really embrace what you're doing right now, it might seem to slip through your grasp all the faster, but in the end you'll regret a lot less than you would have if you just took everything for granted. I guess that's enough of that, I have to get all of my things packed together and over to the Stadium tomorrow where I think that I'll see some people for the last time. I take solace in the fact that I've taken the time to get to know a few people reasonably well and really hope that those people don't just fall off the face of the Earth, even if they are going to the far ends of it (like Texas).

Naturally there are regrets. I really regret that I didn't make a lot more of my time here, and spent a couple of years being a hermit and not getting out to meet some of the really fantastic people that attend this university. I regret not hitting on all of the ladies that I wanted to, that I didn't overcome some of my shyness in that regard. I regret not really realizing how much I enjoyed it here until my last few semesters, and how much this experience has meant to me. I regret not building a closer relationship with some of my professors, we have some truly amazing faculty that are really ready to help out their students (there are also some jerks) if the student just shows up and puts in the effort.

There are things that I don't regret. I don't regret not drinking, I don't regret not having to do the walk of shame or any number of other events seemingly common to college life. I don't regret how I spent my summers, I do wish that I'd spent a little more time on my school work and developing discipline but I really enjoyed myself (so that's the size of that). I also don't regret my choice of majors or career path, I wish that I'd minored in Bio (but I was bored and turned off by it), even if I'm just going to make $11/hour, I'll be working with some really great people.

I'm really sad that it's taken me this long to get roommates that I really connect with, even if it is just for light-hearted emotional abuse. They're really fantastic people and I wouldn't trade them for the world, or all of the tea in China (except for Scooter, he's about the equivalent of all of the tea in China. Get a job!).

I'm sure that there are other reflections that I could have, but even though I'm a little bit sad at the end of this part of my life, I couldn't be happier with the way that my life has turned out and the course that it has taken. Like all people I wish that there were things that I handled better, or that I could go back and fix, but that's where character comes from.

To sum up.

Ryan FTW. And ladies, you only have a couple more days to pledge your undying love and devotion to me before I move on to new waters.

A note on the master's current emotions of mental state::	flirty
And the air of his chamber was filled with the sound of::	The Specials - Rat Race

"They sky is blue and all the leaves are green,
My heart's as full as a baked potato,
I think I know exactly what I mean
When I say it's a shpdoinkle day."

So, things are just fine. The job stuff is going weird apparently they want me to be an EA in West Yarmouth, which is completely unacceptable (but I'm going to find out once my parents forward me that crazy packet).

Umm... I have a Web site?

Come back giant robot!